Tuesday, August 16, 2016

the hardest part

Here I am again. I could make so many excuses about my absence in the blogosphere, but that would be a long blog in and of itself. Long story short, I was weary. Weary of mothering and working (I have a part-time J-O-B, and my spare moments during the day are spent working from home), weary of writing about myself, being a pastor/church planter's wife, trying to do serve big for the least served, and trying to figure out how to train up these people who are under my care and experiencing big milestones and sometimes displaying lots of emotions that I can't decode.

Therefore, I have a lot of thoughts but minimal time to organize them, let alone write about them.

Someone asked me a simple question a while ago, and since it apparently struck a chord with me--chin quiver, you know--I thought I'd share my answer.

What was the hardest part of the adoption process for Clementine?

The hardest part was that I knew--even while I prayed my heart out into the wee hours of most nights--God could still say no. And I would have to trust Him in that, even though it would have crushed me and left me utterly confused about how he could make that no a good thing.

I know the truth: "for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." However, when you are told no, when things don't work out the way you wanted them to despite the best intentions, it's hard to trust that God has "goodness" in mind.

But He does, which we know because His word says so. And even while the answer was "not now" for a lot longer than we'd ever imagined, we had to trust that He was working all things together for good. He was definitely drawing us close to Him, causing us to speak with Him nearly every minute, causing us to consider circumstances outside our realm, causing us to ask ourselves what we could do to even make a small dent in the issues faced by hundreds of thousands of families around the world.

We know that was all good, and we are hopeful that those dark days while we waited will push us to bring Light to the vulnerable families we learned about in that wait. We don't think it's enough to adopt and move on, although some days even after bringing her home we felt like we couldn't handle anything else.

The weariness is fading, and we are thankful for that. God said yes, and we are thankful for that. There is still plenty for us to do, pray over, and seek God's goodness in.