Friday, October 10, 2014

powerless

It's not a great feeling, this powerlessness.

I suppose that's why I've attempted to distract myself with things like Pinterest projects, Stitch Fix, detailed daily plans and watching Parenthood...all to avoid this powerless feeling.

I may have hinted at this feeling before. But let me lay it out for you now.

We have been waiting months for that final court document that says, "C is your DAUGHTER." We know two important documents are complete in our case, but we don't yet have them from DRC. Because those two documents are have been complete for some time, we should have--by now--passed the 30-day waiting period called the "Certificate of Non-Appeal." This means we should have a completed Act of Adoption--a completed legal adoption--by now.

But we don't have it, at least not in our hands. We need all of those documents in order for me to travel to DRC, file paperwork for an investigation, and--most importantly--meet our little girl.

And I can't do a thing about this extended wait. I am powerless.

Two of my friends, as well as my grandpa, have recently been diagnosed with cancer, the dreaded C word that has the power to destroy bodies, even entire families.

And I can't do a thing about it.

Children in Liberia watch as EVERY PERSON in their family dies of Ebola.

Again, I can't do a thing about it.

I went to a luncheon for I Pour Life, a nonprofit that empowers people help themselves out of extreme poverty and dire circumstances. We watched a video about a huge population of lepers in Ethiopia who were forced to live outside of the city borders IN THE TRASH DUMP. I watched as children dug through trash bins to find food--crumbs of bread, old bananas, rotting vegetables--to put into their starving bellies. Then those same kids turned to the camera and smiled with the brightest eyes you'll ever see. They were just happy to be seen.

And I wanted to crawl over to the corner of that room and bawl my eyes out.

Because I feel powerless. So powerless. I have no skills, no expertise that can help anyone in any of these situations. And maybe I'm not supposed to; I really don't know.

I can't reconcile these things that are happening. WHY this long wait? WHY the stuck kids in Congo? Why cancer? Why Ebola? Why extreme poverty with no hope?

It's all so hard to understand. But maybe I'm not supposed to understand it.

When Moses felt powerless, He asked God "WHY?"

God said, "You will see what I will do...I am the Lord."

Just learning to trust that God is in charge, because I am powerless.