Friday, November 8, 2013

free falling

I went skydiving once. I was on a "2-4" (24-hour) break from working at Kanakuk, and my friend and I decided to do the craziest thing we could think of in our 24 hours off so we could go down in K-history.

Skydiving seemed like a great choice. 

I called my parents the night before we planned to jump so my mom could see me one last time before I died. (And so she could take pictures, of course.)

We did the training, paid our money, got our gear on and were soon on our way up into the clouds on a tiny little semi-safe airplane. I looked out the window when we were a few miles up. Crap. We were high and we were about to jump out of this thing with a piece of nylon keeping us from blasting our faces against the ground.

I remember moving over to do the door before our leap. I was attached to a professional, of course, so I could blame him if I bit the dust. I didn't need to be responsible for pulling a cord to save my life. I looked out at the patchwork ground below us thinking, "This is unreal. I cannot believe I am jumping out of this relatively safe airplane. I don't really have a plan, but since I'm already this far I guess I might as well do it."

Then we jumped, and it was the most exhilarating, frightening ride of my life. I felt sick to my stomach for a split second, but I knew I just had to do it. Then it (quite literally) took the breath out of me.

I sort of feel like that now.

I have recently taken a huge risk, and I don't have a plan of attack. This is EXTREMELY unlike me. I PLAN things!! I still have a PAPER PLANNER so I can plan my life out in advance for fun. It's a weird sickness/hobby of mine: Planning.

But now, I have no plan. It's like I have just jumped out of a plane, and I am exhilarated, frightened and breathless about what will happen.

I just resigned from my coaching job (which took me away from my family far too often AND I failed miserably--MISERABLY--at, by the way). My heart has very quickly been drawn in another direction, and I feel that it is not fair to the girls on my team to continue coaching when I cannot commit a great deal of my heart and time to the success of our team. In short, I loved the girls, but I know that someone else will do a better job. This coaching job is connected to my teaching job, which means, essentially, unless something crazy happens in my district and another teaching job comes open, I will soon be looking for a way to make money (i.e. continue to fund and adoption, feed our children, etc.).

I know this is the right decision, that God has a plan even if  I only know the first leap. However, the first step, this free fall, is leaving me a bit more scared than I'd like to be. But I can't wait to see where I land. I might land at home with my two kids (or THREE, hopefully sooner rather than later), and that would be okay except for that whole "pay the bills" thing.

(PS--If you need to hire someone to help get kids in forever families, write to increase awareness about orphans and third world problems, help people improve their fitness, or serve others in mission, I know someone!)

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