Friday, May 3, 2013

therapy

I don't know about you, but I need a break. In the past few weeks I have really felt pretty good about where I am mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally...not that I am perfect or anywhere near it, but I have felt content, ready for even more growth, and excited for the future.

Then, seemingly outta nowhere, the weight of the world jumped on my back. Dang it. It's heavy.

Seriously, life has been kicking my tail in the last few days. So far the only thing that has helped me relax is a surprise visit from Andy's, in the form of chocolate, fudgy, peanut butter and frozen custard deliciousness. But that's only a quick fix (and I had to eat it in melted form because there were kids to put in bed and dinner to store away and peed-in big boy undies--not Bradlee's--to toss in dirty piles) so I guess I need to either get over it or get a tube that directly injects Andy's into my bloodstream.

Let me explain this weight. It is not a 45 lb plate. It is a backpack full of 2- and 3-pound-dumbells full of worries and stupid stressors that seem to rest solely on the tensed right side of my trapezius muscle. As an introvert, my mind is always in motion, and the biggest conflicts in my life all happen within the synapses of my left and right hemispheres. It's not that anything life-changing has happened; it's just that I allow little things to add up. Work is always kind of tense in the last few weeks of school, and I definitely feel the tension in the air when I walk in every morning; in Spring I am always in volleyball pre-planning/stressing mode about getting summer schedules done and getting plenty of girls involved, then thinking about all the time I'll be away from my boys; life is busy with tons of extra activities dragging us all over; the house is a wreck with projects that I've started and never finished; laundry seems unmanageable; my feet and socks stick to the ground all over our house (stinkin' juice!); and the boys have been a bit sick and more cranky and needy than usual.

Quite frankly, right after posting about why Brad and I aren't Parents of the Year, I have felt overwhelmed with the "little stuff" and very inadequate in all areas of life. (As a side note, it turns out I actually lied in that earlier post. We did get Brody a Christmas present; it was a Tom Brady jersey, which Brad might have like more than Brody did. And for the record, our family spoils our kids, and we are thankful for them. Takes the pressure off of us!)

I have heard that extra stress seems to add up a lot when families decide to adopt, because the enemy doesn't like it and wants to destroy plans that will glorify God. That might or might not be happening here, but it is interesting to think about. After all, your marriage is really your greatest ministry. I believe the Enemy wants to destroy that ministry.

I'm not really sure why I've even written all of this for the world (or just 80 people or so) to read except that writing has always been my best form of therapy, and also because of this: Several people have mentioned to Bradlee or me that we are so selfless, noble...so faithful and whatnot. Not true. I can only speak for myself here, but I have to keep it real: I struggle. I am selfish and judgmental. I wonder why God has put me in certain situations and given me certain well-intentioned desires that might never get fulfilled, and I wonder what I'm really supposed to do in my life (moving to Africa to start an orphanage seems a bit far-fetched, but isn't there something I can do to use my God-given passions?) But I also recognize that these are just feelings, not truths. The truth is I am the child of a great God who still loves me, despite my feelings about the craziness.

**Do not call in a psychologist...I just need a vacation. Or a maid.