Friday, May 3, 2013

therapy

I don't know about you, but I need a break. In the past few weeks I have really felt pretty good about where I am mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally...not that I am perfect or anywhere near it, but I have felt content, ready for even more growth, and excited for the future.

Then, seemingly outta nowhere, the weight of the world jumped on my back. Dang it. It's heavy.

Seriously, life has been kicking my tail in the last few days. So far the only thing that has helped me relax is a surprise visit from Andy's, in the form of chocolate, fudgy, peanut butter and frozen custard deliciousness. But that's only a quick fix (and I had to eat it in melted form because there were kids to put in bed and dinner to store away and peed-in big boy undies--not Bradlee's--to toss in dirty piles) so I guess I need to either get over it or get a tube that directly injects Andy's into my bloodstream.

Let me explain this weight. It is not a 45 lb plate. It is a backpack full of 2- and 3-pound-dumbells full of worries and stupid stressors that seem to rest solely on the tensed right side of my trapezius muscle. As an introvert, my mind is always in motion, and the biggest conflicts in my life all happen within the synapses of my left and right hemispheres. It's not that anything life-changing has happened; it's just that I allow little things to add up. Work is always kind of tense in the last few weeks of school, and I definitely feel the tension in the air when I walk in every morning; in Spring I am always in volleyball pre-planning/stressing mode about getting summer schedules done and getting plenty of girls involved, then thinking about all the time I'll be away from my boys; life is busy with tons of extra activities dragging us all over; the house is a wreck with projects that I've started and never finished; laundry seems unmanageable; my feet and socks stick to the ground all over our house (stinkin' juice!); and the boys have been a bit sick and more cranky and needy than usual.

Quite frankly, right after posting about why Brad and I aren't Parents of the Year, I have felt overwhelmed with the "little stuff" and very inadequate in all areas of life. (As a side note, it turns out I actually lied in that earlier post. We did get Brody a Christmas present; it was a Tom Brady jersey, which Brad might have like more than Brody did. And for the record, our family spoils our kids, and we are thankful for them. Takes the pressure off of us!)

I have heard that extra stress seems to add up a lot when families decide to adopt, because the enemy doesn't like it and wants to destroy plans that will glorify God. That might or might not be happening here, but it is interesting to think about. After all, your marriage is really your greatest ministry. I believe the Enemy wants to destroy that ministry.

I'm not really sure why I've even written all of this for the world (or just 80 people or so) to read except that writing has always been my best form of therapy, and also because of this: Several people have mentioned to Bradlee or me that we are so selfless, noble...so faithful and whatnot. Not true. I can only speak for myself here, but I have to keep it real: I struggle. I am selfish and judgmental. I wonder why God has put me in certain situations and given me certain well-intentioned desires that might never get fulfilled, and I wonder what I'm really supposed to do in my life (moving to Africa to start an orphanage seems a bit far-fetched, but isn't there something I can do to use my God-given passions?) But I also recognize that these are just feelings, not truths. The truth is I am the child of a great God who still loves me, despite my feelings about the craziness.

**Do not call in a psychologist...I just need a vacation. Or a maid. 

4 comments:

  1. I can help with the maid part, if you want. (:

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  2. Hiya! To-Do list scratcher-offer (I like this description of yourself)
    I cannot believe I came upon your blog Jenny. I am not a blogger or a blog reader. Well truth is I am in the process - as of a few hours ago - of trying to build a blog myself. But I think I've missed the point because I just want to keep for myself, for now anyway.
    I was researching information about Congolese adoptions when I came across your blog. I love it! Anyway, your last paragraph especially captured me. I am feeling very much like you are right now. hhhmm, how do I do this "reply to a blog post" thing? What do I say? What do I leave out? it's not that simple is it? Well, let me try...
    I live in the agricultural province of Saskatchewan in Canada. We moved here almost 6 years ago from the neighboring province of Alberta. This was God's leading because the move left everyone we knew speechless at the time. We left high paying, retirement income producing jobs, a beautiful home in a thriving city etc. to move 9 hours from anyone we knew to place we'd never heard of. Ya, God can be like that eh? (told you I was Canadian LOL)
    Anyway, it is abundantly clear that this is where the Lord needs us to be. He has hit me with wave after wonderful wave of heavenly makeovers since we've been here. My husband and I are closer to Him than we've ever been and our children now have the opportunity to live a life that involves a relationship with Christ.
    We became a foster family over 3 years ago. We have had many children come to our home in that short amount of time. Our precious Father has given me the ability to not judge the parents and families but to speak life to them, whenever possible. Many stories that I can share later if you're interested, but I want to talk about something else tonight.

    part 2 to come... Turns out I blabbed too much and have to post in two parts. Sorry

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  3. I want to talk about that scripture that says "My ways are not your ways and my thoughts are above your thoughts". You see, I recognize His majesty, and His mystery and His sovereignty - but, like you, I have difficulty understanding why He's given me such an intense passion for orphaned children and third world countries where suffering is at its greatest. The frustration for me lies in the fact that my husband is not ready to adopt. We have had many conversations, but, to him it just seems impossible. He also has no interest in war-torn and crisis type countries. I love my Austin so very much! He was a hand delivered answer to prayer for me and my daughter. He has kept my feet on the ground a few times before! I'm the "run by the seat of my pants, don't worry it will all work out" kind of gal and he is much the opposite. We make a great pair :) He's my grounder and I'm his live it up a little! Can you believe when we met, he only ever bought one kind of toothpaste? Colgate regular. How boring for me! After being married a while, I turned him all wild and we now try different brands on a fairly regular basis!!
    I have prayed more than once that God would either ignite similar passions in Austin or snuff my out. Sometimes I can just burst from the pain I feel in my belly from the conviction I feel to bring home two more children - from the Congo. I don't know why Congo... not sure if that will change or even if it matters but there it is. I think part of it is because my first language is French and many of the children know french and that would make their transition smoother.
    It doesn't help matters that I've had prophetic words spoken over me and they all have to do with: being a light to others in the dark world, that people would be especially drawn to the light of the Lord within me, that I would be surrounded by little children, a mother to many, one lady saw me teaching little girls on a "chalkboard"... who in North America still use chalk boards? up in Canada we've all been using white boards for some time, also that God has called me to missions....
    boy oh boy eh? I look at this and then I look back on my life and see the many, many times I was given favor with groups of other nationalities - in all sorts or circumstances. I'm left feeling like you I think.
    "God, why did you make me this way? I want to honor you with the gifts and passions that you've put in my heart, but Father sometimes I feel like I am held by an invisible straight jacket!, I know you're timing is perfect all the time, but did you notice I'm getting older? Am I missing the boat Lord? I'm not sure how to balance patience "wait on the Lord" and to persevere and fight for what you've spoken to my heart. God, I want to ask that you bring peace back into the Lotz household and that any attempts to trip them up by the enemy would be foiled in Jesus' name. I thank you Father for their hearts and their lives and their full reliance on you for their needs. Amen.


    p.s. - Your "orphanage in Africa" idea sounds wonderful and not far fetched!

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    Replies
    1. Sonnie, thank you so much for writing, for your insight, and for your prayers. It is extremely comforting to know that others struggle with some of the same things I struggle with, and it is even more assuring to know that we all have been given a great purpose by a greater God. It sounds like you have the type of faith that says "Let's just do it." I often have that type of faith but I also have an overly-practical side that says, "But there's this little detail that hasn't been taken care of yet. We need to fix it." With adoption, I can somehow overcome my overly pragmatic brain. I think one reason for this is because I have seen with my own eyes the AWESOMENESS of adoption. One question: Would your husband be willing to read a book for you? Adopted for Life by Russell Moore is a great book on the topic of adoption, and in severla areas it specifically addresses spouses who do not feel the desire to adopt. Just a thought. If nothing else it might help try to articulate your desire to your husband. Thank you, thank you for reading and writing!!

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