Thursday, December 8, 2011

stressors

well, i got called out the other day. i said i would update the blog and tell the full story, but i haven't been back to write in over two months. i have several excuses for not following through, but i won't bore you with those. i will share a bit more with you about brody's story...

the last real post i made during the difficult phase of our adoption was on Good Friday. when i read that post now it is very difficult to take myself back to that emotional state and remember the depth of anxiety i was feeling. yes, i knew God had/has a great plan but at the same time i was trying to prepare myself for heartache, because sometimes God's plans are hard to understand, and sometimes they are painful. my writing conveyed the more sober part of my mind, causing people to believe that i was "strong." if only they had seen me on my difficult days. i cried, moaned, begged, wailed all evening the night we found out the guy in jail was the biological father and that he was not open to adoption because of his family. the next day, i drove the 45 minutes to work, and as soon as i got there and saw a co-worker before a vb meeting, i began bawling and had to drive straight home. my principal was very close to driving me home because i was in such bad shape. so that's the other side you didn't know about.

but i digress. after Good Friday we waited for dna results to come in. of course, it took longer than we expected. basically everything was on an extended timeline in this deal. Good Friday was April 22, so after returning to our home we waited a few weeks until we found out about the bio father. i wrote him a letter and overnighted it to him in jail. i also wrote his sister and mother an email, and my mom later wrote his mom an email as well. what did we write? we begged. we told them how much this sweet boy meant to us and that we'd take good care of him. we offered an open adoption. we offered to answer a billion questions about ourselves so they could trust us. we laid it all out there.

around the same time, i wrote a blog post about the dna results and mentioned that the bio father was in prison. his sister wrote back to my email correcting me; he was not in prison, just jail (90 days for trafficking meth). that's when i learned that they had found the blog, and that's when i erased everything. his sister's email said they had no intention of giving the baby up for adoption and that he really wanted the baby. my heart sank.

at the same time, our lawyer (who i am convinced was sent by God to help us through this) was working to file "involuntary termination of parental rights" paperwork to the court to try to terminate the bio father's rights. it would be a LONG SHOT, but we couldn't just give up.

looking back now it is crazy how much we take for granted these days. i get stressed (really stressed) about little silly things that have no eternal value, but good grief...what is there to be stressed about when you don't have the fate of your baby boy hanging in the balance?!

that's where i will leave this story for now, but i will resume later (it might be in 2 months...)