Saturday, April 9, 2011

affliction

i'm pretty sure i'm learning plenty of lessons in all of this....affliction is not the most fun teacher, but it is pretty effective.

1 - sometimes you have to humble yourself to make people care.

i have done more begging, pleading, crying, and sharing of my opinions in front of absolute strangers in the last few weeks than i care to admit. i have also been fairly direct with people so they know we aren't just going to wait around for them to decide to help. i'm not saying i'm being a jerk, but i am making others aware of the effect that their negligence have on other people. (no more mrs. nice coacher, for sure!) i can be nice, but i will not sit around and wait for people to do the right thing. in our case that wouldn't get us anywhere. (did i mention that the two people in charge of our adoption agency went on vacation last week and promised they'd check in to make sure they could help us if something came up? well, they did go on vacation, but they DID NOT check in even one time, and that was even after i called one of them to say we just needed ONE PIECE OF PAPER, and we needed her to call the office to tell them where it was. at this moment, we should have icpc paperwork sitting on the desk of the icpc head-of-state, but because they didn't do what they said they would do we will wait until WEDNESDAY [because, alas, they are out of town AGAIN at an adoption conference, which they failed to mention would keep them away until wednesday...]) but i digress. they are aware of my and coacher's feelings about their misleading and negligent decisions.

2 - accept help.

so many people have come forward offering help, and we NEEDED it, so i have learned to swallow my pride and accept advice, opinions, a place to stay, helping hands so i could sleep, etc.. i have always been the miss independent, "i can do it all on my own, thank you very much" type of girl, but i definitely can't do this alone, and i am thankful for our friends and family who have stepped up to offer help. i am especially thankful to the complete strangers in this state who have opened up their home to us. i am thinking that the next home we buy (and we are looking) should have a nice basement setup so we can pay it forward to others in difficult situations.

3 - relax.

worrying will not change a thing. i feel like sometimes God is like, "Jenny, seriously, why are you wasting your time worrying? you don't have a clue what you should even be worrying about! I've got this."for instance, in the beginning i was worried that Brody's birth mom would change her mind. i had no clue i should be worried about a possible birth father who is a meth head wanting to take him. do i still worry and ponder the worst-case-scenario? yep. but all that does is make me sick to my stomach. so i've been learning to relax (something i NEVER do back home). brody and i swung on a porch swing yesterday for 3 hours. i never would have allowed myself that pleasure if i was back home with so much "stuff" to get done.

4 - things can always get worse than they are, even when you think that you can't handle one more thing.

i'm going to be honest with you and tell you i spent 2 whole days crying intermittently. i could barely look at brody without my guts feeling like someone was literally reaching inside my body, grabbing them in a fist and hurling them around the room. but i have learned to never say "things can't possibly get any worse." things can always get worse (broke-down car the morning we were supposed to leave the hotel?!), and they can always get better.

5 - money is nothing.

when i had just found out how much money i was going to lose per day for adoption leave i was a little bit sick to my stomach. and when i found out how much a hotel was going to cost for the 2-weeks we thought we would have to stay i started thinking about how i could work from the hotel. BUT, after our world was rocked with news of a possible birth father all of those worries flew out the window. big deal. money is just money, and it's not important in the grand scheme. plus, we are fortunate to have parents and an amazing group of church college kids back home who are as selfless as it gets. (PS - we sold our house in february, so we have one less mortgage payment to think about. think God had anything to do with that?)

6 - God is being glorified through all of this, and he is absolutely in control.

some might wonder how i can say something like that when things are so up in the air with Brody. i can say it because i know it's true, and no matter what my emotions are telling me from one moment to the other (they have tried to tell me some crazy things, i assure you.), i know that He has always proven himself to be perfectly loving and perfectly in control of every situation. why would this situation be any different? did i ask Him why this was happening? sure did. did i get angry because this situation STINKS? yep, and sometimes i still am. but i still know he has everything under control and that he was and is holding us even as the crappiest things imaginable unfold. He is the same loving and gracious God yesterday, today, and forever, and He hears my prayers, cries, moans, groans, utterances, pleadings, and praises.

Romans 8:26 says "Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered." sometimes i don't know what to say to God or how to put my feelings into words, but the Spirit is there to voice my prayers for me.

i will close with this thought, from coacher: "He hath made everything beautiful in his time." Ecc. 3:11. We are fighting for our firstborn; God says it's beautiful.